I'm in such a fed up mood today, there was me yesterday saying I've nothing to moan about...but damn it I have now.  I went out last night, I was a little tired anyway which may not have helped matters - but i got so fed up.  As previously mentioned girly nights aren't my cup of tea.  But after a couple of my closest girlys had to go, I was left to fend for myself as such, I didn't mind, I could have left but I thought I'd stay and be polite...I wish I hadn't. 

Some of the things that were said, I dunno, I was just sitting there thinking...this says it all...you're not friends.  I think thats one of the last times I go out with them.  Enough is enough.

In some respects, despite how sexist this may sound, and coming from a girl too...but they behaved in a way that I've generally come to expect from most girls - digging for dirt and gossip, bitchiness, fairytale worlds (no harm, but its not something I need rammed down my throat...if people are happy thats great...but after the 12th time of hearing im so happy...it wears thin you know), self centered-ness, the list goes on.  It can probably be said of many people - boys and girls alike...but in my experiance...girls can be pretty rubbish! Thank God for guys!

I might go have a drink in a bit, sitting on my own in a pub isn't a good move probably, but I have to do something, I'm at home today.  I can go out...but I don't know what I'd do all the same.  Shopping...maybe.

Oh anyway, I'm gonna eat, think I'll starve else, I haven't had a proper meal for a few days.  Not healthy.  But err.  Oops

Long time; no post.  We're getting well into July, and I haven't made a single entry so far.  I guess I've just been busying myself with other things.  Save for now of course...

I went to some mates bands gig on Saturday night - they were really good.  I may be biased, but I do rather like their music and they're top guys too.  So i'll do my little piece of promoting for anyone who fancies a listen etc.

http://myspace.com/inflightmovieband

I don't think I have many feelings and emotions bubbling to the surface now, I have no urge to write about anything relating to anger, hurt, upset etc. etc.  Which is probably a good thing.  It's been a long time since I've found it difficult to think of something thats driving me crazy and such like.  Give me time...I'll find something to moan about

Hows everyone enjoying the summer heat?  Has to be said I've taken a break from the surprisingly warm British weather.  I tend to burn easily, so I've ventured inside to sit by my fan .  Thought I may use my time to write a blog entry too - it's been a few days or more. 

Didn't have the most exciting of weeks last week, I wasn't working and I'm not paid till next week so I didn't really have much to do with myself.  Sounds silly that I can't do much without money, but it's true to most things really.  I don't really like that, its almost like money owns you - without it you're limited to what you can and can't do.  I think I'm just being a bit too closed minded though, as if I put my mind to it, I'm sure I could find a few things to do that don't involve spending too much money - that I don't currently have. 

Having said that, i did pop over to a friends friday evening - she was having a girly night...I say that with much enthusiasm I assure you .  No, you know shes a nice girl and I have some lovely girly mates.  I'm not about to say I'm a ladette or anything, but I generally get on better with guys and find their company more enjoyable.  And so, I'm not really big up on my girly nights - I normally end up climbing the walls or attempting to get lads invited round.  Which is kinda rude of me I guess.  Anyways I didn't stay long, I got utterly fed up - regardless of it being a girly night, I was a little disappointed in the behaviour of a 'friend' or two of mine.  I went with a mate whose had a rough time of it lately, a lot due to someone who made out what a great friend they were only to turn round and be far from nice.  They were there too, and considering i'd always been good mates with the said person, despite knowing shes not the angel everyone thinks she is, I was a little annoyed at her actions.  She was rude and arrogant.  And to be honest, although I'm not about to let someone like that ruin my night, I wasn't about to sit around and see my mate getting upset and her swanning about with all her followers.  Its not my idea of fun - girly night or not.  So i left and went to see some of the lads  

Nevermind eh.

So in my boredom sitting in the cool, I decided to take some of those lovely quizzes found on www.blogthings.com and to use to some space...here are my results

Kinda a sickly sweet quiz name that, but you know I'd actually agree with most of the answers, save for maybe the last one.  Love is something I need, everyone does I think, I just accept that it'll come when it comes...

Your Star Wars Pickup Line

"Date, or date not -- there is no 'let's just friends be'."

xXx

So I spent a lifetime painting my nails all pretty earlier, only to go and mess them up before they'd properly dried.  Oh well, now I've opted for the black look.  Plain and Simple.

Was a bit crook this week, dunno what it was, but I wasn't feeling myself at all I felt completely drained and ached all over.  Somehow managed to drive myself to work still, stupidly perhaps, as I felt worse for doing it.  But I finally got rid of the blasted illness and now I'm feeling all bouncy and ready to dance the night away...

My being ill gave me chance to sit down and have a read though (purely because standing up took too much out of me), so I read The Da Vinci Code - that book is so good.  I have to say I'm not a big big reader, but it's up there with some of my favourite reads now.  I noticed a rough guide to The Da Vinci Code whilst out the other day, I didn't buy it (I'm poor...) but it look interesting, it said that it seperated the fact and fiction from the novel...and some of the history in that book - I would love to know whether any of it's true or not, so maybe I'll give this guidebook thing a read some time.

I should really be cleaning my car right now, I started it, but I've lost heart now...plus its getting a little chilly outside, I may wait until tomorrow to finish my work now - I've only got to give my windows a good clean, so hopefully the weathers nice tomorrow and I'll get the old window cleaner out. 

But even so, I'm still gonna be cutting this short, my Mum's just called me for my tea...ah the luxury of still living at home.  Unbelievable to think I'm 20 this year.  Sound's really daft to be living at home at near 20...I have friends older who still do though.  Can't imagine I'll still be living at home when I've finished my degree though.  Having said that I aim to go to Canada on finishing my degree, so hey ho. 

Much Love.

xXx

Well here's me sitting down and trying to write a blod entry again.  Lately I seem to have lost my ability to sit down and write, I like to write; it can feel very refreshing (is that the write word?) to spill out all my thoughts and feelings, and I normally find this a very easy thing to do...but lately no, I just can't seem to keep my mind on track to sit down and write.  It shall return though, so I'll just bide my time right.

After work yesterday I went to a mates Birthday gathering at his house, has to be said I didn't know half the scantily clad young ladies that turned up - and I don't think I wanted to either.  So since I was driving too, I got fed up after a while.  Don't get me wrong I'm still young, I still bare the old flesh here and there...but really they appeared to be the types of girls that just walk around asking every lad in sight if they wanna have sex.  Now to me; that's not a good look.  Thankfully some of the lovely lads I was at school/college with were there, some of which I haven't seen in months.  And it was so good to see them.  I've missed seeing them around, particularly a couple who I'm really good mates with, but haven't had chance to see since they left for uni.  So seeing them was the highlight of my day, and hopefully I'm gonna see them soon!!

And wow Chez smiling, thats a rare thing at times!  No, I've actually had an alright week, I haven't encountered too many selfish 'friends' of mine, which have a tendancy to bring my mood right down by generally not giving a damn about another soul as long as everything in their little world is fine.  Which you know, I guess everyone has to be selfish sometimes - sometimes it's important to put yourself first, but I don't know...if I ever find myself putting myself before anyone else I feel bad about it.  And maybe I shouldn't, but maybe I'm so used to thinking of others feelings etc before my own at times.

It's like the other week everyone left my boss (Computer Shop one) and I was like hang on that's not fair, so even though he'd said I could go home after I'd finished what I was doing - on seeing everything else disappear...2 hours before closing, I was like no, I have to stay and help.  Granted his Nephew had to go home, he's not driving at the minute so is relying on trains - which is all well and good, but it also meant that he had to leave to get home, so that was arranged anyways.  But the other computer tech left early for whatever reason, but this was okayed too as my boss's wife would still be in, so he could be in the workshop and her in the shop, however she was in a bit of a bad mood...walked off.  Leaving just my boss.  So i was like that's no way fair, so I stayed...bless, and he gave me more money for doing so - even though I said it didn't matter, he did.  Sometime its nice to be appreciated though too.

Right now I'm attempting to curl my hair ready to go out...has to be said, I'm not being over successful right now - I can't do the back very well.  Oh well, I'll go for the half-done hair look...it'll be fine right.  Spose I best go try sort myself out anyhoo.  Hope everyone is well. 

Much Love

xXx

I've been neglecting my poor old blog of late.  I've had a few chances to sit down and write...but I've never been able to really write anything. 

Been feeling okay last couple weeks, obviously had the few stressful days - but it's been quite alright for me - me with my varying moods and days of too much thinking leading to much heartache.  I've always been a thoughtful thinker...or something like that, I've always been able to emphatise.  But since losing my Dad, these processes have sometimes caused me more grievance than anything else in the short term.  I know this is not a good thing, but it's the way I do things, and despite the odd moments of tears and tearing my hair out - the thought processes; in the long run - help me. 

I don't seem to make any sense today...but do I any day.  

I should be going to work really today, but I don't have to go in, so I'm taking a break and have so far spent all morning doing sod all - which is led me to be bored.  So I feel that I'm off out now, before I go round the bend.

xXx

And yes, what another rubbish entry I've written.  I'm gonna try and start writing more again I think, but for now...I'm orf.

It's almost how I feel about some things.....

Radiohead - High And Dry

Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy.
Flying on your motorcycle, watching all the ground beneath you drop.
You'd kill yourself for recognition, kill yourself to never ever stop.
You broke another mirror, you're turning into something you are not.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversaton, you will be the one WHO cannot talk.
All your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you. You will be the one screaming out.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

It's the best thing that you've ever had, the best thing that you've ever, ever
had.
It's the best thing that you've ever had, the best thing you've had has gone away.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

"it's all a vicious circle of life."

Ok, so I seem to have encountered a bad mood this week - and I'm yet to shake it loose.  I'll be ok generallly...until someone triggers me off with their perhaps not so special personality traits.  Hmm

Anyway in my bad moods, I tend to be quite quiet - normally because I know this way it's safe...there's always the risk of causing offence and hurt without intention and all that, so being quiet means I must occupy my mind in some way...I think.

Today's thoughts have included - what the hell am I going to wear tonight?   Are most of my friends really as stupid and self-centered as they appear to be?  Has everyone forgotten about Ross already?  And the answers...well I've found an answer to what to wear, although this is subject to change (I do have girly moments sometimes ok).  The latter two of my thoughts...well for a long time, since I was only just a teen, I've accepted the fact that the majority of my friends are either 1. Not true friends 2. Self-absorbed 3. Selfish and insensitive 4. On another planet.  I've pretty much carried this opinion throughout school and such like...everyone is just a bit too "me,me,me".  Granted you know, everyone is entitled to 'me' time and talk, I accept that, and I like to hear about what different people have done etc.  But do you ever find yourself having conversations with people/friends and thinking, you mean nothing to them, they don't care about your life or what you do or say - but you make a great bragging/moaning post for them.  I don't really know what I'm trying to say precisely, there's two sides to everything, I just wish there was two dimensions to some of my associates (lets not call them friends, that would be a bit rich) instead of just the one, and just the one record playing. 

Funny, sometimes I would have classed Ross as being one of those friends whose just all about themself and nothing else...but I think that was just me getting in funny moods.  I miss that dude, and I hope his family are doing ok.  I do wonder though, out of all those friends that turned upto his funeral - how many of them actually give him a second thought.  Everyone is different in how they deal with things, some people talk about loss's, other's don't...it took me a long time to talk about the death of my Dad, and I still rarely do partake in such conversations.  But it just seems with some people, that they didn't really care - yes they were upset about Ross being killed, but it didn't effect them deep down - they've all got their new boyfriends/girlfriends, new car's etc etc...they're happy and thats it.  I seem to be the only one who mentions him - the only one who says do you remember that, etc.  Perhaps I have the 'advantaged disadvantage' of having experianced loss, so can cope with it better, can talk about what was as well as what is.  I don't know, maybe the question could be asked, why should they care - they're happy.  I just can't do that, I can accept the loss, and I can move on and be happy - but I can't forget, and I can't not talk about the 'days before he went away'.  But I think I'll just have to talk to myself, no one else seems prepared to converse on such subjects - no did when my Dad died, no one would mention him or anything - and sometimes that hurt just as much as knowing I'd lost him.  Like salt in a wound.

Oh well, life is too short to dwell. 

How long is it since I last wrote a blog...like a lifetime.  Finally got the internet back yesterday, and yet although I haven't had proper access to it in over a month, and so not been able to write this...I really can't think of anything to write right now.  I'm sure I could ramble lots if I back tracked, but that would involve a lot of typing...and a lot of typing I don't have time to do today. 

Anyhoo I hope that everyone is well - missed you too LWS, missed reading your thoughts - so I'll get back with that soon.  So I've been busy doing work experiance at a localish school, and it's been really good - the kids say the strangest things some days, but you know it makes me smile, and it makes me glad when they come up and thank me for my help - how sweet is that.  It's nice to feel appreciated as well as being uber glad to help.

I'm still a little bruised from ice skating the other day, I generally get by ok, I'm no great skater, but I'm ok enough to not fall over...but no, I fell the other night - it was hilarious mind, but my do I have a nice bruise now.  Beautiful.  Went to see Constantine other day too...ahhh Keanu Reeves - perhaps not the worlds greatest actor, and he's ageing a bit now...but no, I still like him - he's mellow and lush...but back to the film, it wasn't too bad.  So all is well...

Ok, I can't write today...it's very un-fluid, so I'll leave it here and go have some pobs. 

So, I haven't written for a few days - been pretty fucked off lately so I haven't felt like writing.  I still don't seem to be getting anymore than 4 or 5 hours sleep a night - which sucks oh so completely...So aside from the usual frustrations that's annoying me too.  And To continue the moans, which lack of sleep probably hasn't helped....

I MISS THEM.

I think generally I can be at peace with these feelings - its pretty normal to miss people you've lost - but not getting enough sleep is making me a little more emotional and on edge.  Packing some of my things earlier I picked up the photo (me as a baby) my parents gave me for my 18th - I forgot the note they'd written on the back.  And seeing "With Love from Mum and Dad on your 18th Birthday" kinda brought tears to my eyes, seems weird to think back - on my 18th Birthday I would never have thought for a moment it would be the last Birthday I'd spend with my Dad.  And It fucking hurts.  And It fucking hurts that I can't speak to Ross, when I felt shitty he would always tell you how great you were etc.  and as much as it didn't put me on a high or anything it made me feel better to know that he cared and to know he thought so much of me.  I hope he knew I thought a lot of him too, and I hope my Dad knew that I'll always think the world of him.

Moving house this weekend, and the lovely, yet useless BT called last night to say that the earliest they can connect our phoneline in the new house will be 15th March - so I won't be around for a while, so I apologise for the further neglect my blog will now recieve.  But I hope that everyone who reads is peachy and lush.  Take care and have fun now. 

Much Love.

xXx